My crippled ability to speak up in big groups, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something, despite being one of those who contribute to the laughter. All I do is listen, really, and that alone brings about the thought of what others make of me. Am I just that girl who smiles and laughs at everything without having a thought of her own? I’m aware my doing exude lack of confidence, that I’m afraid of being judged by what I say and how I say it. My introverted self thinks it’s okay, I’ve always been this way. Another part of me though, want to kick myself in the bum for being so anti social.
When I’m left alone, I’d like to consider myself as someone worth approaching, that I’m interesting enough for your time to be spent on. Funny enough, that kind of reflect self confidence, which is contradictory to what I just said before.
In a group, my mind would become frazzled and I would stutter just trying to get my point across, when the attention is directed at me, when I become the talker and the others listen. More often than not, I’m the listener because I choose to be. That’s why, I tend to feel invisible. It’s quite a conflicting feeling, really.
I’m laughing at myself in disbelief, wondering what is wrong. I thought writing it out would sort out the matter, instead I’ve learnt that I’m okay with being left alone, but I’m not okay with the assumptions that would be formed when I’m alone; I have no confidence in my opinions, but I have confidence in myself.
I guess I care a little too much of how others think of me.
Ah, so that’s it.
Thanks for reading my confused thoughts.